c. billadeau

Posting more or less because I need to a) update this blog more and b) keep track of my progress more often. Not that this is much to go blogging home about!

Rough sketch for a character sheet for my senior thesis, or as close to one as I’m going to get. I’m kinda running out of time for all this preliminary junk; as important as it is, I am more and more tempted to cut corners. Drawing the angel is no big deal for me because I’ve had that character for years now… but I’m still trying to get comfortable with the priest, because making him look a ripe fifty years old while being as short and stocky as he is is HARD (and his haaaaiiir oh god I am going to kick myself later for making it so stupidly impossible to draw consistently)

It’s interesting; as I have been working through the script and all the research that I’ve had to bring up on Soviet-era politics and the Russian Orthodox church, I find myself becoming unexpectedly reacquainted with my own history and disillusionment with religion. I was raised in a Midwest Lutheran family. Went through all the hoops; ended up declaring my atheism/apathy just weeks after I was confirmed, much to the disappointment of my parents. Haven’t looked back since.

There’s a lot of reasons I finally said, “fuck it” and gave up on this religion. I couldn’t stand the selective justice and the arrogant hate (I specifically cite a sermon at the church I was going to be confirmed at that preached homosexuality as “an unfortunate mistake” and, being bisexual myself, knew that was the last straw).

But one of the worst parts was the isolation amongst others. The Christian church, especially the Midwest Protestant sect, is all about community. Everything you did was in a group; all the youth programs and Bible camps I went to, there was no such thing as “alone time”. Yet… despite the constant interaction, I never made any friends or any real connection with my church community. I had a hard enough time making friends in school or in my neighborhood, so I always hoped that in a place that encorages–no, requires relationships with others to function that making friends would be at least achievable, if not easy.

Not the case, unfortunately. In a place that carefully erases individuality as soon as you step into the narthex, I had always felt singled out. So distant. So alone.
(I’m such a fucking emo kid, I know.)

Philosophies and religions of the world have interested me in the way curiosities such as carnival sideshows do; it’s morally abhorrent to me but… I can’t help but be fascinated by the spectacle of it all. I want to say that I am sometimes envious, perhaps? of people of faith be, but then I realize that I have faith, too, just in less specific manifestations… I have faith in tomorrow, I have faith in the future, I have faith in justice. Even though all these things continue to disappoint me on a regular basis, I somehow still go on, blindly believing that everything will be okay.

I’m beginning to like this priest character that I thought up on a whim more and more because of it, I think. Sure, all my characters have a bit of me in them (the angel, specifically, has my apathy and my fear of commitment), but I don’t think I’ve really used an opportunity to work though a part of my history like I’m doing with this priest. (hopefully this doesn’t qualify him as a total self-insert? ohhh crap)

My plan was originally to have the priest go through a loss of faith through the book I’m scripting up right now, but now I’m not so sure. He is a weak, corrupted man to begin with; to keep his church afloat in an atheist state determined to destroy it, he bribes and lies and murders… or at least turns a blind eye to the bloodshed, which is just as bad, I think. He runs into an angel (fallen, specifically) that turns everything about his religion on its head. He feels the whole world is pretty much against him already. I’m beginning to wonder if what he needs is not more disillusionment but rather a renewal of faith–perhaps not in his god, but in humanity itself.

Anyway. All this research brings up memories, although I’m mostly looking into what’s different from what I know. Even though it’s been years since I’ve stepped into a church, all the rituals and sermons and familiar phrases are ingrained into my mind. I realize now that I’ve been trying to forget the culture I grew up in when it’s responsible for everything that I am today. Anyway, I don’t think I could forget all of this stuff even if I tried.

I mean, I’m not about to go back and start singing psalms, but… I’m finding some sort of weird appreciation for something that I am so strongly against.

Also, by sitting here and typing out all of this, I think I’ve found a solution to a problem I have been trying to solve with my script (and what caused me to wander over to the internets here in the first place). Fuuuuck, I love 3 AM. Add that to my list of things I have faith in; the magic hour never fails to come through for me.

It’s a difficult life, being an artist for a living. All stereotypes aside, there is always The Moment™ that all artists–illustrators, designers, painters, musicians, cartoonists, animators, writers, whatever!–live for. Without them, I don’t know how career artists of any sort would fit into culture and society. Whether it’s the satisfaction of having completed a piece or just starting a new project, it’s the addiction to this moment of temporary elation that keeps us going, despite all the struggles. This feeling–this state of mind–its seductive power is more valuable to us than any paycheck.

As much of a believer I am in methodical, creative problem solving for sustainable living, I seriously live for those times when I get hit with inspiration straight out of left field. Every time it happens, I am reminded of what an amazing chaos of neural webs the mind is. And how such a glorious thing should never be wasted.

Lately, my main concern has been sorting out my senior thesis project and trying to nail a proper story down. I’ve got a notion of a priest character I want to work into the thing as the main antagonist, but I couldn’t figure out his motives. Been thinking about this, consciously and unconsciously, for the past couple of weeks. So, fast forward to today: I’m putting pencils away at boring, bland work when a song swells from the speakers onto the sales floor. These lyrics hit me like a fucking tidal wave:

Been working for the church
While your life falls apart,
Singing hallelujah with the fear in your heart,
Every spark of friendship and love
Will die without a home.

My heart skips; adrenaline rushes in. I’m suddenly drowning in a flurry of thoughts, one right after another, bing bing bing–and I realize I’ve found my solution. I can barely resist the urge to shout, with customers watching and all. Instead, I just curl inward with a quiet “yesssssss” and try keep the maniacal grinning to a minimum.

Man. And I don’t even LIKE Arcade Fire. Now I can’t get enough of this song.

Anyway. If all goes well, I swear I will start poting stuff about this project that actually has some substance to it soon. It’s still nothing more than outlines and research and tons and tons of notes.

I’m not obsessed, I swear. :c I can quit anytime I want to whaaaaaaat stop looking at me like that look at this instead

Okay, okay. I promise I’ll stop when Tessa Stone stops making amazing characters. See?? Compromise.

Letterheady is entirely devoted to posting interesting letterheads from the past and the present, famous or otherwise. My favorite is most definitely the one above, for P.T. Barnum’s Circus, dated 1891.

Also, on that note: Letters of Note compiles everything from the infamous Zodiac Killer’s cryptic coded letters to delightfully explicit letters from Hunter S. Thompson to this odd little tale from science fiction writer, Philip K. Dick. (He’s totally right, by the way. No piece of brain vomit during your sleep should ever be taken too seriously.)

Whew!

So the main site has been finally given its long-overdue update and facelift. Images have been added and taken out of the main spread to better reflect my current work. Plus, I tweaked a few aesthetic details.

One of the big changes was adding the newscaster; it automatically synchs with this blog, so anything I post here shows up there. Man, I’ve been meaning to do that ever since I started this thing.

I still have one task I’d like to get completed in the next few days, and that would be creating an image graveyard for all old works to go to die. I haven’t decided on how it will work–whether it should be a mere copy of the current layout, something with smaller thumbnails, or another layout entirely. Anyway! That’s not necessary for the portfolio to function, so I declare this current version live. Lemme know if something’s broken.

So hay, apparently breaks are meant for fanart, because I DID IT AGAIN.

Hahaha, this had started as something of Doc Worth but somehow mutated into this little bugger. I love them both anyway, so it’s all good. All that means is that there will be MORE TO COME.

also: why are you still here you should be reading this right now

Man, Michael Paukner does it again:

Also thanks to Paukner: a link to a Flickr stream full of 1970s/1980s design. Airbrush-a-rific.

Final for an illustration class! When all else fails, I just remember what my friend Julia does (who needs to get a website up so I can link the shit out of it): make people’s heads explode with color.

I really, really wish I hadn’t done this during finals, because I had at least two other ideas that I wanted to continue on in a series of travel posters for these fictious lands of paradise. My next poster will be a sweet mix of 50s airline posters and Welsh/Arthurian mythology. And shitloads of Celtic knotwork.

That said, I’ve finished pretty much all of my finals for this semester. All I gotta do is pull a one-page essay out of my butt at some point in the next 24 hours and I am DONE. So winter break is hereeeeeeeee~

Sweet zombie Jesus, I never thought I would make it. I am serious; this semester has been harder than all of my other semesters combined. Looking forward to a peaceful yet productive break. At some point I will have to start planning/writing for my senior project (like a thesis paper, but for art kids) but that will be loads of fun if I choose the right subject to work with and not necessarily grueling work!

All right! Got a moment in class, so here’s those Target giftcard designs I promised.

My illustration class was actually able to work with an art director and a designer from Target (whose names escape me right now) for three weeks on these, getting fabulous feedback all along the way. They critiqued our work based on Target standards and were really serious about it. And honestly, I really enjoyed the hard news. As much as I like my MCAD career, honest critique is hard to come by. Professors and students alike seem to skip around that and like to pad everything with useless, “oh I like this a lot” things.

Anyway. All that aside, the Target guys apparently liked them a lot! Maybe I’ll get lucky and they’ll show it to their higher-ups, hmm hmm?

Rising from the dead to post things! Exciting. I am two finals away from being done with this awful semester. Both are due today and I have basically not slept in two days because of that. The joys of being an art kid.

Type specimen/promotional poster for the Arlen typeface; part of my typography final. Struggled for a long time on this one to get the textural effect how I wanted it, but I think I finally got it. My inspiration for that one is definitely to blame on Kevin Dart, hrr hrr.

Anyway, I’ve got some other finals and stuff floating around in my queue to post, including some Target giftcard designs, but I am still finishing the comp booklet that goes with this poster that is due in four hours ahhhh holy crap back to work