c. billadeau

Apocrypha is now live!
(IT LIVES! IT LIIIIIVES! MU HU HU HU)

There’s not a whole lot to see over there right now, but as the weeks roll along, there’ll be updates and more pages and fun things, I promise! Stick with me, here.

A preview for you folks!
This is actually from page two, mostly because I am loving how it’s turning out so far. All these loose ends that I was fretting about are finally sliding into place as I make final decisions on content and layout. Beginning to feel better about this project; the drawing is starting to flow more because I’m freaking out less about it.

I think I need to reserve more faith for my eye and myself in general. In a situation like this, where I have to show my work to a professor or professional–often in various states of processes–it gets nervewracking just because everyone ELSE gets anxious. I work very loosely; I do not sketch out my illustrations or anything down to the last detail because that’s just nuts. I leave myself a lot of room for on-the-fly decision making and flexibility as I work, which is why I like working digital (mantra: don’t worry, I can change it).

I just can’t picture how something is really going to work (or not work) from a bunch of pencil lines; I use my “final” medium like my sketching tool. If I’m working in ink, for example, I usually skip the pencil and just start drawing with ink on nothing more than vague shapes. It means I make a lot of mistakes and go through a ton of white out and sometimes have to do-over entire panels, but in the end, I make something I’m happy with, rather than backing myself into a corner because I decided on something too early in the sketching process. Nothing is so precious.

However, I sometimes feel like I’m the only person who really works this way, because all my illustration professors get really nervous when I show them my “cleanest” sketches.

Anyway. Tonight’s goal is setting up the separate site for the comic and putting up PAGE ONE omg. So watch this space!

Sorry things have been wonky here for a few days! Something blew up on with my host’s mysql servers and that prevented anything using a database (i.e. blogs, but not my main portfolio site) from showing up. If you’re seeing this, it’s now resolved, obviously. However, the issue seems to be shakily fixed at best, since I occasionally get errors that boot me off of this installation of WordPress.

In other news, I seem to have no problem accessing the other WordPress setup I put together for seralizing my comic, so I can actually work on that now! Yay! Hope to have that up this weekend; we’ll see how that goes.

I’ve been sitting on the fence about whether or not I’m going get a PS3 for several months now. Lately, I’ve been coming across more and more reasons to just cave in already.

First things first–Bioshock 2. Don’t need to say anything more.
And now I’m reading up on this game called Heavy Rain due to hit the shelves next Tuesday and I’m…interested. Really interested.

The part that has my attention is not just the plotline (I am a sucker for cop dramas and psychological thrillers) but the gameplay. Everyone and their mom is calling it “innovative” and “original”; I’m sure someone else has done it before, but there doesn’t appear to be anything out there quite as polished as this one looks.

In short, the game is designed around four playable characters trying to solve a serial killer case. Depending on which characters you play and how many survive ’til the end, you get different endings. With some of them, you catch the killer. With some of them, you don’t. Either way, the game’s over. It simply comes down to making a choice.

Going back to Bioshock for a second: during the final showdown, just before you reach Andrew Ryan, the main character, Jack, is systematically introduced to the fact that his mind has been enslaved since birth and three specific words are the barrier between Jack and his free will. These three words are suddenly made responsible for everything that the character has done throughout the game. (I dunno about the rest of you, but I did NOT see this one coming.)

While you, the player, attempt to digest this, you’re ushered into the office of Andrew Ryan, where he gives you the golf club and utters those three awful words. But in order for Jack to swing, the player must push the button. You must push the button to continue. You can wander around like a ninny for fifteen minutes, looking for an alternate way out, but there is none. It’s not about Jacky boy killing Mr. Ryan anymore; we’ve already established he’s a puppet. It’s you with your hand up his rear. You, and only you, must kill Andrew Ryan to win the game.

This was all about making a choice, but in this case, you have no choice.

The realization hit me like a fucking freight train. It was almost poetic, the comparison I suddenly saw between Jack and the role of the player in any video game–you do not play this game; it plays you. You do not jump through the flaming hoops, carefully skirt the ledge, and win the prize; the game pushes you through the hoop and off the cliff and then takes the prize for its own. The fact that the smart folks over at Irrational/2K made this vital moment playable rather than a cutscene like many other designers would have made all the difference to me.

I got so upset with myself that I threw down the controller and walked away. Came back later to finish the game, of course, but not until I had a long, deep think about who I was as a person. You’re all rolling your eyes at me, I know, getting this worked up over a silly video game, but this is one of the many reasons why this has such a special place in my heart.

It’s a true work of art, and not just in that pretty art deco sense. Powerful art activates that bit of our complex brain that separates us from the monkeys. The difference between good art and real art is the difference between, “I like it, it’s nice” and breaking down into tears over how brilliant it is, simply because you have no idea how to respond.

Passive verses active.

I, for one, love this idea of active gaming. It’s kinda why I got into ARGs; my ideal game is one that relies heavily on character development through player interaction and what paths they take, rather than what the puppetmaster ultimately wants to drag out of you. Having a final objective is important, yes, but flexibility is important to this medium of gaming. It allows the game to live and breathe in our reality while keeping the “alternate” bit the still in place. Because the ARG is dependent on player choices, the likelihood that the players will make several mistakes until a workable/proper conclusion is reached is unavoidable. I think this fear of mistakes prevents a lot of ARGs from reaching this level of involvement; else, puppetmasters are clinging too hard to their brainchildren to let it go to the players, where it ought to be.

Because that’s why it’s fun. It’s why I’m Sorry was fun. (Again, thank you Mr. Bricker.) It makes me, as a player, feel like I’m actually contributing to something, rather than sitting around and watching it go by. (It’s probably why I don’t like watching sports, at all; if I had to get involved, I’d rather be playing them.) It forces you to invest yourself and your emotions into a game in order to get something out of it. Good characters are important, here. Plus, this is why people who like to play “safe” ARGs and furthermore try to impose this method on others because of “safety issues” really grind my goat. I may or may not be referencing a certain unfortunate panel I once sat through…

While Bioshock is unlike Heavy Rain as it still under the “passive” and “linear” category as far as gameplay goes (I mean, sure, it has alternate endings but pffft, Andrew Ryan is STILL DEAD), I owe it this much: it showed me the difference between active and passive gaming, rather than trying to ignore it. Furthermore, it showed me the difference between good storytelling and amazing storytelling.

This is why Heavy Rain looks promising. It’s rooted in character and the game is entirely dependant on the emotional attachment you gain through interacting with them. Unlike pretty much every other game to ever exist, Heavy Rain brings character to the top of the list. Even “freeform” games like Fallout 3 and other various RPGs are all about the stat grinding and eventually achieveing the one final goal in the game. This is different.

The only concern I have about it is its relianance on motion capture performances by the actors, because of how disasterous this can be at times. But I’m staying optimistic about it because most of the previews look stunning.

Innovations like this keeps me looking forward to the future of video games. It’s going to be nothing like any regular first-person shooter, but that’s great. Because the only emotional reaction I get out of those is being bored to tears.

Also, it’s an incredibly convincing argument for getting a friggin’ PS3 already, jesus.

A piece of some side illustration thing I’ve been doodling. Although it is related to my current project (obviously, I swear I don’t even LIKE the Arcade Fire most of the time but this ONE DAMN SONG), I’ve more been using it to unwind while working on the script or on pages, so it’s not really something I need to get done… just want to.

There is something pretty fantastic about that, though. Throughout my college career, my will to draw for myself has been minimal, if not totally nonexistent. Even during my breaks, I never can really arse myself to just draw and stop caring about the why. It’s not a bad thing, necessarily, but I haven’t really had the chance or urge, even, to illustrate something based on a character (rather than a concept or a metaphor, as per the usual). Now that I’m working on a project all of my own doing, all I want to do is draw draw draw

I’ve missed drawing you, my brainchildren.

The best part is that I could turn this in for credit, oh ho ho. (And I probably will.)

Also, I feel like I need to give this project a proper name. More or less so I can stop referring to it as The Project.

FUN FACT! I draw everything in greyscale before adding textures or colors. If I can get the contrast down first, then picking colors is easy.

Still working away at this thing, I promise. I’m about three-quarters of the way done with this script AND I’ve officially started drawing the first page. Progress! /tiny flag wave
Not that anyone really cares/believes me unless I show pictures, so: PROOF. A spread of the script (above) and thumbnails (below).

I work better when I let projects (or pieces of projects) overlap a little, so I have a bunch of different things to work on in case (read: often) I run into a rut. So while I’m like halfway done with everything at the moment, I still feel like I’m behind because I haven’t fully completed anything.

But so long as I keep working on some part of this project, I’m still getting something done, right right? (Also, I don’t care what anyone else says because the 4×6 index card is the best thing ever invented for thumbnails.)

In other news, I noticed Craig Thompson and Paul Pope are going to be mentoring hand-picked arists through an artist-in-residency program at the Atlantic Center for the Arts in October and I can’t believe that I am sitting here thinking how I could rationalize a three week absence from my last semester at college–even for something as amazing at this. Two of my biggest influences under one roof? I have to at least try.

Here’s a gift for you guys, because I love all of yoooou. ♥

It’s part of the playlist I’ve been listening to while I’ve been working on this project! Yay! I don’t have much to say about it other than yes, I know, I have an incredibly eccelctic taste.

A lot of it is just atmospheric mood inspiration, since I uh, don’t really listen to the lyrics all that much? I could listen to anything so long as it sounds good and that’s generally how it works when I pick my music. But Intervention and Wolf Like Me played huuuuuge roles when it came to designing Lucian and sometimes I swear Ocean Breathes Salty was sung just for Anton, because it’s perfect for him.

TRIVIA TIME! I was considering just making you guys root around on the internets for this one, but because I like to talk: the icon in the center of the cross is the original manifestation of Saint Christopher. He’s a popular patron saint amongst travelers and mariners, since if you wear his icon during journeys, you’re supposedly protected against injury and death.

Nowadays he’s portrayed just as a dude with the Christ child on his back, aka “the Christ bearer” as his namesake suggests. But the original legend lists him as from the island of Lycea and having a dog-shaped head, which is so much cooler. And there’s a reason for me using this specific incarnation, promise! In particular, Lucian has a long history with this saint. The old man received the pectoral cross (as depicted) upon his ordainment a million years ago; it was a gift from his long-time mentor who knew how important the saint was to him! Aww.

“In the priest’s veins runs the blood of an old Romanian hunting family, whose trade depends solely on the existence of all those creatures that go bump in the night–or, well, their extinction. As the eldest in his generation, Lucian was primed as a child to receieve the gift of old money and ancient power once he came of age–all to be put toward extinguishing the supernatural infection on Earth. Things changed, however, when he stumbled into God.

Decades later, Lucian still keeps his wounded family ties at arm’s length while he preaches in Moscow, circa 1960s. Lord knows he’s had enough of the weird and the occult to last him a lifetime. But in order to keep his head attached to his neck in this violent, atheist state, he’s had to make …compromises. Don’t get him wrong; Lucian loves his work more than life itself. It’s just not easy when his world–and, at times, even himself–is slated against it.”

As promised!

TWO POSTS IN TWO DAYS. I will give myself a pat on the back because I am so proud of myself for getting things done. /pat pat

Bear with me, guys; the excitement is just around the corner. Or, well, I’M totally psyched about it, anyway. Since I won’t be posting pages for a few weeks here until I get some webspace set aside for them, I dunno… would you guys be interested in seeing anything else in the meantime? Works in progress, bits of scripts, silly character memes, the playlist i’m listening to? Something?? Seriously, just shout and I will oblige.

ALSO, a kind internet stranger pointed out that I’m in the Society of Illustrator’s annual scholarship competition (the third row). I didn’t even know they announced the show entries, let alone that I happened to be the only MCADian to get into this insanely prestegious show this year wat wat WAT

i-i’m not worthy /sobs

My god, you guys, I thank you for all of your support. Today alone has been absolutely awesome and so very dangerous to my ego; my sense of self worth is like THIS HIGH right now /miscellaneous hand motions
Seriously, you all spoil me and leave me speechless sometimes with your excellent selves, I swear. As much as I try to keep up with comments and stuff, even if I don’t reply, I have read it! And I promise, all your kind words brighten my freakin’ day, every time.

“The official story goes that Anton had a falling out with God & Co. when he failed to carry out his mission on Earth. The reality is that he forgot what he was here for in the first place. I mean, you try remembering who said what in a couple of centuries and see how that goes for you.

Somewhere, though, Anton always believed he made a better human than an angel, anyway. Now that he’s had a bit of a Fall, he can revel in his new-found mortality for the rest of his (short) life.”

Holy shit! I’m posting something!! And you guys probably thought I was full of crap when I said I was working on a project, ahaha.

Aside from my previous post, I’ve been stuck working on this project for two months in radio silence. Mostly because there’s not been much to post. It’s all research research research and script writing at this point. I’ve been working away at the script for a while now; still not entirely done, but I’m scheduled to start drawing pages next week (fuuuuuck). But at least I’m starting to draw things, even if it’s just ickle featherbrains up there. When I have something I can actually show during my project review on Fridays, it looks like I’ve actually been productive, whoops!

Which isn’t to say I haven’t been; it’s just been all the behind-the-scenes stuff. And man, it’s taking forever. I’ve never attempted a project quite this size before and it SHOWS. One problem is that I keep making major changes to the script out of necessity. I have a very general outline of how Things will go down, but some of these Things are not entirely set in stone… more or less because I haven’t figured them out completely. I mean, I made a huge change to the priest character last night to solve a couple of Things, which has started a chain reaction in minor Things needing to be added or changed… so it never ends. I have my work cut out for me, I guess.

Anyway. If all goes well, I’ll get to work on the actual, real pages soon. I’m really behind schedule right now, but I’m trimming down my workload by pumping out things like the reference sheet above during downtime/procrastination when I should be doing my other schoolwork.

However, as tempting as it will be (and do I mean TEMPTING), it may take a couple of weeks before I start posting pages up on the ‘tubes, as I first want to fanangle together a separate website to put them up on. Even though I’m anticipating only a thirty-forty page book when it’s all said and done, it’s going to take up a lot of my time from now until the fall. Might as well put some effort into it!

In the meantime, I’m determined to get the ref sheet for the priest done by the end of this week. Somewhere in between scrpt writing and thumbnailing I hope to find some time…

Posting more or less because I need to a) update this blog more and b) keep track of my progress more often. Not that this is much to go blogging home about!

Rough sketch for a character sheet for my senior thesis, or as close to one as I’m going to get. I’m kinda running out of time for all this preliminary junk; as important as it is, I am more and more tempted to cut corners. Drawing the angel is no big deal for me because I’ve had that character for years now… but I’m still trying to get comfortable with the priest, because making him look a ripe fifty years old while being as short and stocky as he is is HARD (and his haaaaiiir oh god I am going to kick myself later for making it so stupidly impossible to draw consistently)

It’s interesting; as I have been working through the script and all the research that I’ve had to bring up on Soviet-era politics and the Russian Orthodox church, I find myself becoming unexpectedly reacquainted with my own history and disillusionment with religion. I was raised in a Midwest Lutheran family. Went through all the hoops; ended up declaring my atheism/apathy just weeks after I was confirmed, much to the disappointment of my parents. Haven’t looked back since.

There’s a lot of reasons I finally said, “fuck it” and gave up on this religion. I couldn’t stand the selective justice and the arrogant hate (I specifically cite a sermon at the church I was going to be confirmed at that preached homosexuality as “an unfortunate mistake” and, being bisexual myself, knew that was the last straw).

But one of the worst parts was the isolation amongst others. The Christian church, especially the Midwest Protestant sect, is all about community. Everything you did was in a group; all the youth programs and Bible camps I went to, there was no such thing as “alone time”. Yet… despite the constant interaction, I never made any friends or any real connection with my church community. I had a hard enough time making friends in school or in my neighborhood, so I always hoped that in a place that encorages–no, requires relationships with others to function that making friends would be at least achievable, if not easy.

Not the case, unfortunately. In a place that carefully erases individuality as soon as you step into the narthex, I had always felt singled out. So distant. So alone.
(I’m such a fucking emo kid, I know.)

Philosophies and religions of the world have interested me in the way curiosities such as carnival sideshows do; it’s morally abhorrent to me but… I can’t help but be fascinated by the spectacle of it all. I want to say that I am sometimes envious, perhaps? of people of faith be, but then I realize that I have faith, too, just in less specific manifestations… I have faith in tomorrow, I have faith in the future, I have faith in justice. Even though all these things continue to disappoint me on a regular basis, I somehow still go on, blindly believing that everything will be okay.

I’m beginning to like this priest character that I thought up on a whim more and more because of it, I think. Sure, all my characters have a bit of me in them (the angel, specifically, has my apathy and my fear of commitment), but I don’t think I’ve really used an opportunity to work though a part of my history like I’m doing with this priest. (hopefully this doesn’t qualify him as a total self-insert? ohhh crap)

My plan was originally to have the priest go through a loss of faith through the book I’m scripting up right now, but now I’m not so sure. He is a weak, corrupted man to begin with; to keep his church afloat in an atheist state determined to destroy it, he bribes and lies and murders… or at least turns a blind eye to the bloodshed, which is just as bad, I think. He runs into an angel (fallen, specifically) that turns everything about his religion on its head. He feels the whole world is pretty much against him already. I’m beginning to wonder if what he needs is not more disillusionment but rather a renewal of faith–perhaps not in his god, but in humanity itself.

Anyway. All this research brings up memories, although I’m mostly looking into what’s different from what I know. Even though it’s been years since I’ve stepped into a church, all the rituals and sermons and familiar phrases are ingrained into my mind. I realize now that I’ve been trying to forget the culture I grew up in when it’s responsible for everything that I am today. Anyway, I don’t think I could forget all of this stuff even if I tried.

I mean, I’m not about to go back and start singing psalms, but… I’m finding some sort of weird appreciation for something that I am so strongly against.

Also, by sitting here and typing out all of this, I think I’ve found a solution to a problem I have been trying to solve with my script (and what caused me to wander over to the internets here in the first place). Fuuuuck, I love 3 AM. Add that to my list of things I have faith in; the magic hour never fails to come through for me.