yeah.
Classical @ 11:53 pm CST
ooooh, emo.
kinda scary. i rarely have these moments. but there's a couple of things that have been on my mind a lot... and i ust really need to get them out. even if no one's listening.
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and it all consists of guys and art. laaaaaaame.
so, i think ever since prom, i've been feeling like... desperate.
really stupid of me, i know, but i found out that i was the only one who was stuck at home on prom night (even my friends who didn't go to prom went somewhere and had fun). how lame is that.
i know that prom is the most superficial event of the high school life, but even outside of that i see signs on what i'm missing out on. y'know, all the happy couples hugging and snogging each other during school in the hallways and whatever. i've decided that i really do hate spring for this very reason... all the new couples that spring up. all the new pairs of holding hands i see. all the hugging. all the kissing. all of it.
sure, i'm jealous. i'm not going to deny that.
specifically, i'm jealous that everyone has someone to dream about while i sit here, wishing that i had at least someone specific to fill this empty little void in my daydreams. i have this...anonymous prince charming in my mind all the time.
it makes me...i don't know, sad or something that everyone around me has the fucking spring fever and are all obsessing over guys they know while i sit here with an "eh" all the time. i don't see anything in the guys that surround me. and apparently they don't see anything in me either. the only thing i have to look forward to in the male population right now is dan sending me a letter. (which i am not belittling, because i look forward to it a lot.) but...that's about it.
i guess, being as desperate as i am, i shouldn't be picky. but the only guys who have ever been interested in me have been people i only see as friends or just...creepy. or they haven't said a thing, but i don't think that's too likely.
i think ever since the jon experience i've been feeling like i'm terribly uninteresting...or just plain weird. it's dumb to let my first failure to get me down like this, but how the fuck am i supposed to feel, really? i pass this guy every day in school and i am constantly reminded that i fucked up. i am forced to stare at my failure every day.
and, shit man, that wasn't even for romantic means. all i wanted to do was make a friend with someone i found interesting. if i can't do that... my more intimate dreams are pretty much stuffed in the shitter now.
some of the people that i know that have boyfriends and girlfriends are people who are so busy with their lives already. and then they tack on this relationship... makes me wonder how they can handle it.
and here i sit, with the most invisible "LOOK AT ME" sign stuck to my forehead, bored as hell and actually able to take on something like this. i want to find someone, for once. i am smart enough to know when i'm ready, because i've been in a situation where i wasn't but pressed ahead anyway, but not like anyone cares about that...
i really kinda wish that something else on my list of "stuff to worry about" came in first, rather than physics class and exams and artwork. something more meaningful, y'know.
while i'm on artwork.
jeez. i go back to deviantART and i'm already getting kinda annoyed with it. it's always been one big fat popularity fest, where everyone measures everyone on the number of fucking pageviews they have.
i feel a lot of pity for some of the popular artists who are drowning under attention they didn't want, getting so. much. crap. from other people. and i also feel pity for the artists like me, who go totally unnoticed.
yeah, i know. typical crap spewing from the typical artist.
i am sitting here while all my friends are getting offers for artistic work and freelancing. envy again! is sinking in. but these are people that have lives to deal with, let alone their other jobs, school, and whatever. i feel like i'm shouting at these commissioners, "PICK ME! PICK ME!" all the time, because i have so little to do with my life at the moment and i'm feeling totally unnoticed when they decide to pick up the other people with busier lives.
i want to work, goddamnit!
i also want to go somewhere with my artwork. i really do. but these days, the only feedback i can manage to strangle out of people come from my friends and familiars. and i get the feeling they are rarely being totally honest with me. i am really tired of the same nice stuff. while i appreciate you guys care about me... it's not getting me anywhere.
i get so little feedback as it is, because i am still totally invisible to the art world, so what i do get i cling to, but i need more substance to actually cling to.
please, please. just...stop telling me the cookie-cutter "it's so good!" stuff.
give me some constructive comments. fuck, critize me, for all i care. i think people fail to realize that i can take a real big blow on my artwork maturely and responsibly. i don't (wouldn't) sit there and emo it up if someone gives me crap.
i just want some honesty.
i need to know if that this stuff that people tell me about me being able to "go places" with my artwork is actually true or not. because i don't know what people honestly think about my artwork. i feel like people treat me like i'm something fragile that can't handle honesty. a little suburbian girl who has never tasted reality before.
but i'm not. art is the only passion i have in my life and i swear to god, i will do anything it takes to do something with it.
putting up with criticism is the smallest bother i have to worry about to do that.
so.
yeah.
in short, i'm bored with life and i want new material, but i am invisible and uninteresting, so i guess i'm stuck with medocrity.
hoorah.
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