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tears.

Classical @ 04:22 pm CST

i'm picking up late on this issue...
but. i'm practically speechless. to further support my feelings on humanity from a previous entry...
i just...can't find the logic in these arguments that these protestors are claiming exist.

god is not striking down people in the military because they are defending a country that doesn't prohibit homosexuality.
this war is not over homosexuality. more often than not, these dead soliders were not gay. some of them may have even been on the same side as you protestors.
and last i checked, the head of our government was anti-gay rights. the monkey that runs our country has denounced gay marriages and added rights for homosexuals, several times.

so umm... right. where is this all coming from again?
i just can't see the lines that these people are somehow drawing. if god was as all-knowing and smart as you claim him to be, wouldn't it be more intelligent to uhh, smite the gays directly?

if you want to go protest against homosexuals, do it in front of a gay bar. because that is where they are.
i'm not encouraging this, mind you; i am totally for equalities for all sexual preferences and types. but if you want to pick a fight with someone's personal beliefs, do not take it out on someone who has absolutely NO affliation with the issue you have with a group of people that don't represent the whole. moreso, do not do it during a time of great grief for these people that have no connection to the issue.

these people just picked the worst place to hold these protests. whoever they were, these people died. more importantly, for some cause that they probably supported in some form. they were probably also supported by the people attending their funeral, because that's what friends and families do. whether or not that cause is right is not the argument (because i know i would personally say otherwise), but the argument is for the need for respect for these poor families and friends that are mourning the loss.
just...how dare you protestors disrupt this. how dare you. i hope that when you protestors die, someone storms your funeral and brings even more misery upon your friends and families, just as you are causing these poor people. you are disgusting, cruel, and just...appallingly awful.


jesus christ.
there is a fine line between freedom of speech and mindless harrassment, folks. there is no doubt in my mind that this one is crossing it.

minnesota is one of those fourteen states considering the "funeral-protest" bill. as unhelpful as it will probably be (i mean, come on, 300 feet away is the stupid parking lot), it had better damn well go through. it's one of the first steps to ridding this sheer, blatant stupidity from this planet.


my philosophy teacher brought it up today in class and i felt physically ill. in all honesty, i thought that i was going to vomit all over my desk.
that all turned into sadness, though. i felt my eyes well up with tears. i actually cried due to this display of uneducated thought.


it is my turn to weep for the sake of humanity, i suppose.

muh?

Classical @ 01:18 am CST

tummy pains! how i hate you.
it figures that when i get a cold, i also get visited by the period fairy. which is just double the crap.

but oh well. i've been soothing away stuffy noses and cramps with drawing, because i finally have some time to do so. this past week has been just homework hell, partically because it's the week before spring break starts (starts next friday, yaay!) and partically because i was all backed up from those two days i had missed the week before.
i hate it how when you go back to school after being absent, you are not only required to do the work from days that you had missed in within a few days, but you are also made to do the work from the days when you are present. which, half of the time are based off of the lessons that you missed, so somehow you have to catch up before being able to stay caught up by the next day anyway. or something. D;

but aaah, wonderful things are happening, i suppose. in the future, anyway.
i get to spend my spring break uninterrupted because i will actually be visiting my grandmother's in april. which means i get out of even more school.
plus, my parents and my little brother are going down there seperately...late march. which means my sister and i will have the house to ourselves for a WHOLE FREAKING WEEK.
it will be so quiet in here. glorious.

while my parents are gone, apparently katie is coming up to visit mcad, so i will have to go meet her and drag her around the twin cities and see stuff. that will be even more fun. :D

in the present, the extent of wonderful stuff is comprised of me managing to get caught up with homework and being able to draw stuff. and go back to the mall of america tomorrow. that's about it.

otherwise, i'm kinda hurting, as already mentioned, and kinda flustered.
i wrote a little (read: long) letter to the guy i scared off. finally. it took me way too long to build up my nerve again... but i also wanted to include some doodle with it. which i did. and i still don't really know why. i mean, what the hell is he going to do with scribblings of my own characters? i dunno.
i'm telling you, i just really suck at social interactions. i cannot explain my thoughts and actions coherently, i don't know what to do most of the time, and i can't start conversations. (i sure as hell can hold them.)
but it's all a half-assed attempt at an apology that he very much deserves about ten hundred times over. i feel so bad about making him upset. it's off my chest now, since i got the apology out... but i will probably wind up even more depressed about it all if he doesn't ever say anything to me again from here on out.
i guess the most i could ever hope for is a thank you, but i'm thinking that that would be selfish. ._.

blah. i'm sleepy now. i've kinda been typing this up over a period of two hours, due to various distractions (mostly that katamari game D; <333). so i'm off to bed now and i'll save whatever other ramblings i forgot for another day.
not like any of you really care. D; i guess i just do this for my own sanity.

whee~

Classical @ 08:28 pm CST

erf, finally finished things that were due so much earlier this week.
but that's because i got an extra hour to go home and rest, because i have been feeling like crap all day. damn you, sickness. x_x i think it's due to the stress i've been under to catch up since last week. i haven't been sleeping too much this week because of work.

but i'm finally caught up; i finished my philosophy paper earlier this evening and got some other various chores around the house done. my floor no longer has pencil shavings ground into it from when i had everything thrown around while working on that big art project earlier this week, whoo.

i found out that while i still will be going to visit my grandmother in florida (grudgingly), it won't be over my spring break. it's like, biker week down in daytona during our spring break, so my mother doesn't want my sister and i to go then. XD
which is like, whatever~ it means that i get to miss some days of school and have a full spring break, even if it means being bored out of my wits for about five days. i'll be stuck in some gated community with old people on golf carts, shaking their canes at me the whole time.

best of all, my parents and my little brother will be going for a week at a seperate time, which means my sister and i will have the house ALL TO OURSELVES. <33 so excited. it's not that i would actually do anything i shouldn't be like every other typical teenager who gets left alone... it's just that this house will be so nice and QUIET. and stress-free.

it will be amazing.

and now to go make me some falafels for lunch tomorrow, yum yum. <3~

AAAH.

Classical @ 04:20 pm CST

OH. MY. GOD.
-IMPLODES FIVE HUNDRED TIMES OVER-

my life is complete. ohmygods.
well, as close as it gets without a ps2.
;n; <3333

[/COOLFINDINGS] and i will totally be blowing off more homework tonight to play this. OBSESSIVELY.

procrastinating!

Classical @ 08:53 pm CST

aww man.
i spent about $10 on a sumi ink stick and a suzuri (grinding stone for the stick) a few days back to play with some new inks and prehaps use it on the big ass piece i'm working on for the lake conference art show thing. i want to really introduce some texture into my lineart, and since this stuff is kinda chunky--you rub this stick against the dish and it flakes off little, but still relatively large chunks of carbon--i thought it would do the trick with a different brush included.

but this stuff doesn't get dark. at all. i'd have to mix it with some india ink or something. and that just won't do for this.
the variability is great, though. while it doesn't get very dark, i can get as many shades of grey as a pencil can produce. once i go back to my comics (if i ever go back to my comics, haha) i will have to consider using this instead of doing all my pencils in pencil shading and stuff. i think it'll be a good replacement for that, and much cleaner, too.

but oh well. i'll have to see how well india ink works with this bamboo brush i bought, but i still don't think it's gonna get me the kind of texture i'm looking for. -shrug-

while i'm on it, i have no idea how the hell i'm possibly going to finish this. @___@
considering kendra's party is all sunday afternoon and into the evening, i have just friday night and all of saturday to finish a really huge-ass piece of artwork, here. it's 20 by 30 inches, which i plan to ink and color with some washes and then colored pencils on top of that.
and i've barely begun to sketch it. D:

i just finished my homework and played around with the inks for about twenty minutes, so i really should be using what little free time i have here to either do more homework and get it out of the way for the weekend or i should be working on that.
but guess what! i'm totally not. :D

yay procrastination~

uff.

Classical @ 05:28 am CST

so i must've swallowed my mouth ghost or something, because something has been forcing its way out of my system for the past three days now.
three out of the five people in my family were sick yesterday, and one of the survivors had already gone through what we were, so it's been crazy over here. stomach flu or whatever is way contagious.

and now it's five in the godfucking morning and i can't sleep. i'm supposed to go to school tom...er, today, but i've only been asleep for a grand total of three and a half hours so far tonight. the past two nights haven't been any better.

so i'm not doing too well here. i really don't think that i'll be able to survive school, but i really do need to get back to class or i will be up to my neck in homework and stress, moreso than what i already know is coming at me. i think i've missed that philosphies group debate thing, so that means i get to write a whole paper on a presentation i did most of the work for anyway, joy!

ugh.
i guess while i'm up and trying to find something boring enough to put me back to sleep, i'll clean up my harddrive. spyware scans and virus checks and stuff. it has needed it, i guess.

-collapses on keyboard-


by the way, fuck valentine's day.
stupid commerical holiday invented by greedy greeting card companies who only want more of a reason for you to spend money on their shit, because apparently there's not enough holidays in the year already.

so i will not be wishing anyone a happy valentine's day. i didn't at all to my friends yesterday, so don't be expecting a late one, either. just saying so, because i had a feeling some were wondering.
don't take it personally; i am just bitter. all i am left with on valetine's day is to reflect and brood on the single most painful event in my life: the only relationship i have ever been involved with. all these hearts and roses and people eating each other's faces in the hallways at school are simply a reminder to what has happened to me. it was a learning experience and i'm somewhat happy about what i learned, but it came with a cost... more pain than most will be able to compare with.

it's a black or white kind of holiday: either it's one of the best holidays of the year that you get to spend with your significant other happily, or it's there to make you feel like crap about what has happened, or what hasn't.


it is not a happy day for me. so i don't very often wish happiness onto others on this day.
the more you know.

sigh.

Classical @ 08:48 pm CST

hoho, i enjoy silly, mindless doodles.
good for procrastination and a little laugh. two birds down with one stone. :D

i still don't really know what to be feeling right now, though.
i have this sense of guilt on mind, because i made someone uncomfortable. i want to give an apology for it, but something's telling me that they don't even really care.
i kinda feel like i've been robbed with my philosophy for everything: just move on. mostly because i just can't and apparently they are. it bothers me. i am not much of a people person, quite obviously now, but i feel the guilt that would come with killing someone innocent whenever i make someone angry or upset.

if things could just work out somehow, i know i would feel better about it all. i really just want to get my words out and have some understanding, but i don't think it's going to happen. i'm still dealing with this failure and error that i made in trying to do something "nice," i suppose, and until then... there's this little cloud over my head that just won't go away.

until then.

a plea.

Classical @ 05:00 pm CST

oh. my god.

you've GOT to be kidding me.

...this pains me. so much.
the united states did not produce the cartoon; a denmark newspaper company published it first. then newspaper companies that cater to europeans reproduced the image and created more. in fact, the demark editor is the one who says he has "no regrets." they say it is apart of their cultural traditions to produce satire in the form of cartoons and other various parts of the press, which is understandable.
but why are you mad at a country that has not only had nothing to do with the images, but condoned the fact that some newspaper companies were?

the united states did nothing.
we even denounced the actions of these newspaper countries in europe for doing such a thing. i read an article somewhere where a spokesman was speaking for the country as a whole, who AGREED with the upset people who said that "there should be limits to the press." (let alone the fact that we have something called the "freedom of speech.")

i understand that you are upset and more importantly why you are upset, protestors, but this is getting so out of hand. and putting it under the name of islam does not help your cause, just as osama bin laden declaring an islamic jihad against western society did not.
quote dr. lam akol, sudanese foreign minister...
"in the third world they hardly separate between what is a journalist and what is the danish government's point of view. once a danish paper has published something then it is concluded that this is the opinion of everybody in denmark. so that is the kind of feeling that should have been understood from the beginning."

i do see where you are coming from, sir akol. i understand that the government in countries such as sudan heavily monitor the press. the opinions made by people within the country, therefore, could be partially biased, based on what the media is telling them, because they don't always recieve both sides of the case. just as we americans can be, too!
but what i also don't understand that if that statement is true, why don't the protestors believe what a united states spokesman said was true? we even defended the protestors, in a sense...

try to understand this: western culture takes just as much criticism as the rest of the world does. our load is no less or more than yours. we are equal in our understandings and misunderstandings about the rest of the world.
yet it seems that we are somehow otherwise unequal to the rest of the world to the point that we are claimed to be the leader of this all by some protestors.



please... step back, outside of all of your anger and frustration toward all of this... how is this worth the deaths of humans? people are dying for nothing. the senseless manslaughter in the midsts of these protests are over lines, shapes, and color arranged to create a cartoon. they represent nothing in the end. the opinions, ideas, everything that the artist, publisher, or any person may tie to the cartoon is nothing more than intangible feelings that no two people will ever have an indenitcal understanding of. our vocabulary is too limited.

so what does that make everything in the end? a whole lot of nothing.

furthermore, these protests don't really do much except make the protestors look worse as time goes on. if these protests somehow "suceed," what good can possibly come out of it?
they can't force a change on foreign governments. not without organized forces, and even then... your picket signs and torches can't force a revolution in a foreign country that'll overthrow the "freedom of speech" laws that many people around the world hold dear to themselves. you'll be met with great resistance if this goes anywhere outside of these senseless protests (which, if it does, i will heavily mourn the loss of human reasoning).
think of not what you're fighting for now, but think of what you're fighting for the future.

the lack of intelligence in all of this leaves me searching for answers that i know i can't possibly find. i feel so lost.



just... please.
people are dying.
for the love of everyone's god, just stop it.

no god that i know of could possibly support this... they are watching their creations kill each other over the diversity that shapes everyone.

they must be weeping.




i can't stand this.
i have no faith in humanity any longer.

little emo moment.

Classical @ 05:12 pm CST

this world is depressing me.

normally i don't let worldly matters get tied up into my emotions, but the levels of pure stupidity i have encountered in the past few days are just...sickening. protests, burnings, DEATHS over some damn cartoon... a proposal to further withdraw domestic funding by our dumbass president that will leave us EVEN MORE in the pits... just things like that.
that and the fact that i probably won't talk to the person i was trying to become friends with ever again, because he thinks i'm a freak.

the future seems bleak today.

i'm sure this all won't last long, since i rarely have little emo moments and when i do, i get over them quick.
but, hell, i figured the world should know that it disgusts me.

uff.

Classical @ 06:54 pm CST

soooooo, what a week?

i'm being a bit adventurous. that's REALLY rare for someone like me.
way out of my comfort zone, too. i'm being friendly with a person at school that i really have no connection with besides the fact that he looks FREAKISHLY similar to calvin, my character. >_>
i dunno. meeting and getting to know new people is always good, and i'm really regretting all the times that i haven't approached interesting people before my opportunity ran out (like the red-headed kid from last year or the german student in my psychology class earlier this year). i had a kick of help from kendra who knew him before, but otherwise...this is all on my own. have to go totally out of my way to get to talk to him, because he's not in any of my classes, and the few times i run into during the day, he's with his (ex?)girlfriend or other people. which, i dunno, may end up being worth it in the long run if a friendship forms.
and it's SCARY. this is so far out of my comfort zone to just walk up to someone i really don't know at all or have very little connection with and have a conversation. all of my friends--ALL of them--have been met through the introduction by another friend and just spending time with them because they were with the other friend or met because it was one of those awkward situations in class where you had to pair up with people you didn't know and i got to know them then.
i have never met friends on my own, honestly. kinda sad, really.

at least i've done it and gotten to talk to him a bit--had i not, it would've just BUGGED me that he was just...there. and it would've probably ended up being stalker-esque. people i find really interesting, for whatever reason, just draw my attention moreso than anything else. like red-head kid last year, blah.
as i see the guy, he's just interesting for reasons not really understood by other people or even me at all. he's just physically identical to my brainchild that i am very attached to and it's kinda weird that i find someone outside of the original person that i based the character off of that's remotely similar to him. and that's all okay, because it's really not important. [/babble]

but, meh. i don't know if he even wants to talk to me at all. he could be just acting nice for the sake of me whenever i stop by. he's so quiet and so few of words that i have no idea what he's thinking. probably something along the lines of, "who the hell is this girl and why is she following me around?!" <_<

but that's that.


i'm still also waiting on a report from dan on whether or not the military is going to take him away for six to eight months. i think he finds out tomorrow or saturday, but either way, it looks unavoidable. ;n;
I WILL MISS YOU, DANNY. even if i get to send you mail and stuff, it will still wear on my nerves, because stupid things do that to me.
we started talking about decimating people in physics class randomly yesterday and i was all, "OH GOD! dan's gonna get shot even if he doesn't ever go out into the battle field, SOB," and proceeded to gnaw on alexa's shoulder. :B


ON A LIGHTER NOTE: i get the house ALL to myself this weekend, hehehe!
my family is off to northern stillwater tomorrow night and will be gone 'til about dinnertime on sunday. those glorious hours alone will be mine to savor. DELICIOUS. it will be like death of commotion in this household and i will love it.


so, yup.
strange week.

to wrap things up: silly bastards.
what a ridiculous reaction to something so small and rather insignificant.
i may have a very limited understanding of islam and everything it is, but if something offends me, even greatly offends me, i don't think i would take to arms and start threatening to harm people that aren't even involved in this!
christ, people! LET'S THINK RATIONALLY.

the people you want to destroy and otherwise be mad at are the people with the newspaper, not the whole damn european union, speaking to the demonstrating students and the guys with weapons in front of the EU office.
because a particular company in a particular country publishes a particular image that you don't like, it doesn't mean that you should wave weapons, threaten to kidnap, and try to boycott a country as a WHOLE. or do the violence thing at all. it makes no sense, and from a completely different view of the whole situation, it makes you looks just...so fucking stupid.
i am very sure that not every single person in france and denmark have something against the islamic culture and religion. some may, but i am sure that not everyone does. so acting as if the whole damn country has something against your way of life is uncalled for, really. it's not the government's fault, either. they didn't produce the image, did they? they may have had nothing to prevent it, perhaps, but they are not the source of the beef you have with this image.

if it was the newspaper company you were threatening--or, better yet, the artist who created the image--this would make a lot more sense (but not any more supported, mind you).
let me assure you that not everyone in the EU has something against you guys, mmkay? :/ so it's not fair to blame it all on them.

people also seem to forget that opinions on how life should work really differ from place to place. i udnerstand that the palestinian way of life is way different from my own, but i'm not going to critize them for it. at least, not as a whole. because i know that everyone is different, and i think i would like to keep it that way.


and, as i like to say among many art forums: if it offends you, don't look at it, and MOVE THE FUCK ON with your lives.
get over it. it's like the tiniest zit on the ass of the world. it's small, insignificant, and pathetic to get your life wrapped up in it.


...
organized religion irritates me.
it's a buzzword: an excuse for thinking. more in the sense that if it says so, many automatically think it's right, refuse to question it, and go on with it. even if it does morally disturb them somehow.
you're not sinning against anything for being human and using that brain you believe god or allah gave you, man.

and i'm done. :D